Mutual masturbation might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about intimacy with a partner, but it is one of the most honest and connecting experiences two people can share. It strips away performance, removes the pressure of coordination, and puts each person fully in charge of their own pleasure while staying completely present with the other. That combination is rarer than it sounds.
Whether you are curious about trying it for the first time, looking to bring something new into a long-term relationship, or simply want to understand your partner's pleasure on a deeper level, this guide covers everything you need to know. From how to bring it up to which positions feel most natural, and which toys can make the experience even better, consider this your starting point for one of the most underrated forms of intimacy out there.
Mutual masturbation is when two partners pleasure themselves at the same time, in each other's presence. Each person touches their own body while the other watches, listens, and shares the moment. It is worth clarifying that this is different from manual sex, where one partner stimulates the other. In mutual masturbation, each person is in charge of their own pleasure.
This practice has grown in popularity because it offers a form of intimacy that goes beyond penetrative sex. It works for any relationship, regardless of gender, orientation, or how long two people have been together. Some couples use it as foreplay, others as the main event, and many simply as a way to stay connected on nights when full sex isn't on the table.
Mutual masturbation is not just a fun variation in the bedroom. Research published in peer-reviewed journals has found that couples who engage in this practice tend to report higher levels of sexual satisfaction in their relationships. Watching your partner experience pleasure, and being seen in yours, builds a kind of emotional closeness that is hard to replicate any other way.
Beyond connection, there are very practical reasons to add this to your intimacy toolkit.
Not every sexual experience needs to look the same. Mutual masturbation gives couples a flexible, low-stakes option that adapts to real life while keeping the connection strong.
The best time to suggest mutual masturbation is not in the middle of a sexual moment. Bring it up in a calm, neutral setting, maybe during a quiet evening at home or a relaxed conversation after dinner. Starting outside the bedroom takes the pressure off and gives both of you space to think and respond honestly.
When it comes to how you frame it, keep it curious and inviting rather than demanding. Something like "I'd love to see how you touch yourself" or "I've been thinking it could be really hot to pleasure ourselves together" lands very differently than making your partner feel like they owe you a show. Many people carry some degree of shame around masturbation, or worry that doing it in front of someone will feel awkward or be judged. Acknowledging that upfront, and letting your partner know there is no pressure, goes a long way.
Before you try it, take a few minutes to talk about what you are both comfortable with. Do you want to just be in the same space, or do you want to watch each other closely? Are toys welcome? Is dirty talk on the table? Setting those expectations beforehand means both of you can relax and actually enjoy the experience instead of guessing what the other person wants.
There is no single right way to do this, but a little intention goes a long way. Think about the setting beforehand. Soft lighting, a comfortable space, music if that helps you relax, and having lube within reach can make the difference between feeling awkward and feeling completely at ease. The more comfortable the environment, the easier it is to let go and be present with your partner.
Starting side by side on your backs is one of the most natural ways to ease into it, especially the first time. You are not fully facing each other, which feels a little more private, and yet you are close enough to hear and sense everything. It mirrors how most people masturbate alone, so it tends to feel familiar and low pressure.
If you want more visual connection, try facing each other with your legs intertwined. This position is more intimate and lets you watch each other without either person feeling overly exposed. Another option is having one partner lean back against the other's chest or abdomen, which creates warm physical contact without the coordination that other positions require. And if you are in a long distance relationship, a video call works just as well. Many couples say that mutual masturbation over video has been one of the most connecting experiences they have shared remotely.
You do not need a script. Narrating what you are doing or describing what feels good is a natural way to stay connected and can be surprisingly arousing for both partners. Asking an open question like "do you want to show me what you like?" invites your partner in without any pressure. Dirty talk is welcome if it comes naturally, but it is never required.
It is also worth saying that silence is completely valid. Breathing, sighing, and the sounds your body makes are a form of communication on their own. What matters most is that both of you feel present with each other, however that looks in the moment.
Vibrators and wands are a great starting point for anyone new to using toys during mutual masturbation. They work on any body, any genital configuration, and can even be used for a full body massage before things get more focused. A wand in particular is easy to use when two people are close together, which makes it one of the most versatile options for this kind of shared experience.
For penis-owners, a masturbator or stroker adds a whole new dimension to the experience. Using one while your partner watches lets them see exactly how you like to be touched, which can be both incredibly intimate and genuinely educational for future play. On the other side, vibrators, bullet toys, and finger vibes give vulva-owners a hands-free or hands-on option that makes it easy to stay relaxed and in the moment. At Couples Co. you can explore a range of vibrators, masturbators, and couples-friendly toys designed with real pleasure and ease of use in mind.
Do not underestimate lube. It makes every toy better, every touch smoother, and the whole experience more comfortable for both partners. Whether you are using a toy or just your hands, having a good lubricant within reach is one of those small details that makes a real difference. Think of it less as an accessory and more as an essential part of the setup.
If you are new to this, it is completely normal to have questions before you try it. Here are some of the most common ones, answered honestly.
What if one partner finishes first? That is completely normal and nothing to worry about. The partner who finishes can stay present by watching, touching their partner's body gently if welcome, or simply enjoying the moment together until the other is done.
What if I feel too self-conscious to do it? Start small. Low lighting or candles can help you feel less exposed. Some people find that wearing a blindfold actually makes it easier to relax, since you can focus inward without worrying about being watched. The self-consciousness usually fades after the first time.
Can mutual masturbation replace sex? It is not a replacement, it is its own thing. Mutual masturbation offers a different kind of intimacy with its own value, its own dynamic, and its own rewards. Many couples treat it as a standalone experience rather than a substitute for anything else.
Is it normal for long-term couples to do this? Absolutely. Research has found that couples who practice mutual masturbation tend to report higher sexual satisfaction overall. It is also one of the most effective ways to keep intimacy alive through the different seasons of a long relationship.
Do we need toys to do it? Not at all. Toys can enhance the experience, but all you really need is each other and a comfortable space. If you are curious about adding toys, start with something simple like a vibrator or a stroker and see what feels good for both of you.
Can we try this if we are long distance? Yes, and many couples say it is one of the most connecting things they do over video call. A good connection, some privacy, and a willingness to be vulnerable with each other is all it takes.
Mutual masturbation is one of those things that sounds more complicated than it actually is. Once you try it, most couples wonder why they waited so long. At Couples Co. we believe that great intimacy is built on curiosity, communication, and a willingness to explore together. Life is too short for bad sex.
